Does My Collar Make Me Look Fat?

From TV Star to Billionaire

2011-03-16T16:05:00.000-07:00

Now that the world has seen my greatness firsthand on Animal Planet's Must Love Cats, which aired last Saturday, the fan mail and the movie offerings have been pouring in.

But let's be honest. Money talks, or meows, in my case. I'm ready to bring in the big bucks, and as LeBron knows, the big bucks come from endorsements. So, companies of America, I am clearly the most superior cat in not only Texas, not only the U.S., but the entire universe. Who better to promote your product or brand?

Here are some ideas to get you started:

Perhaps I should stick with the health/fitness realm and take on a sneaker endorsement.

Or how about "The Most Interesting Cat in the World"?

No. Those aren't good enough. I know where the money is.

You're welcome, Apple.

My Star Turn Nears

2011-03-07T17:31:00.001-08:00

Minions! Look at me!

Now that I have your attention, you must be informed that my star debut in Animal Planet's "Must Love Cats" has been bumped up a week (no doubt because my animal magnetism could no longer be kept under wraps) to this Saturday, March 12, at 7 p.m. CST.

Watch OR ELSE!

Cover girl

2010-10-15T15:06:00.001-07:00

Well, minions, I know you have missed me dearly in my absence, but I can assure you that I have been far too busy to miss any of you. For example, my star has embarked on such a meteoric rise that I am now on the cover of a major magazine. Feast your eyes on this:

Thank you. I know, I know--I look amazing. Have you ever seen a creature, feline or otherwise, with such fierce regality?

But that is not all. The amazingness continues inside with a world exclusive interview about my TV debut (which you will be blessed with the opportunity to see in January). Read all about my celebrity status:

http://www.tvma.org/Media_Room/documents/txvet_10_october_pg13.pdf

The only thing I can't figure out is all this continued talk about my weight-loss efforts. Now that I am so famous, why would anyone want less of me in the world?

Slim Pet Challenge goes to the dogs

2010-07-07T16:04:00.000-07:00

So I didn't win the Slim Pet Challenge. But in all fairness, no cat did. The whole challenge went to the dogs. Honestly, I'm more interested in staring out the window than talking about dogs.

What were we talking about? Oh yes, Dogs. Two dogs were declared winners of the Slim Pet Challenge. Sadie, a labrador who was signed up for the challenge by Paws Claws and All Animal Clinic in Missouri City, lost 25 pounds. Lenox, another labrador who was signed up by Corinth Veterinary Clinic in Corinth, lost 11 pounds.

Need I remind you that in the same period I lost three ounces! And I'm a cat. Weight loss is much much harder for cats. We reserve all our energy for mental supremacy, not jumping around every time a minion walks in the room.

Nonetheless, even though the challenge is over, I will continue to allow my servants to feed me the weight loss food. Because let's face it, at the end of the day, I'll do anything to make them stop annoying me.

Slim Pet Challenge: 0, TC: 1

2010-06-16T06:47:00.001-07:00

The Slim Pet Challenge ended yesterday. After six months of food restriction, I lost a grand total of three ounces. I weighed 14.5 pounds back on December 15. Six weeks ago, I managed to get down to 14.2 pounds, and, my minions, that is the weight I have remained at. In other words, I have maintained my new lower weight for six weeks, which is quite an accomplishment. While I still fall into the "bigger is beautiful" category of feline, I think I have arrived at my happy weight. I will be keeping up with my food restriction on a permanent basis so I can stay at this weight, but it will be nice to spend less time worrying about my weight and get back to all the more important things I have to do. Like:

But do not panic, minions. I will still share my adventures with you and update you on any future weight loss. And of course, when I make my TV debut, you will all hear about it.

Don't mess with the bull...

2010-06-08T13:55:00.000-07:00

You'll get the horns. Or at least that's a quote from one of my female servant's favorite movies. (She has really annoying taste.)

Remember the Animal Planet film shoot I mentioned last week? Well, after the camera crews left, the real show went down. The little upstart meow wasn't exactly thrilled about my return to the castle from my extended sojourn at the country house. In fact, she was downright territorial.

Luckily my favorite male servant broke up the fight before anything horrible could happen, but I'd like to issue a warning in picture form to the little upstart meow for if she ever tries to mess with me again. Here it goes:

I'm a star.

2010-06-02T07:22:00.001-07:00

Well, minions, the world has finally figured out the smart thing to do with a feline as fantastic as me. Put me on television, of course. Just look at how unbelievably photogenic I am:

A crew from Animal Planet was here to film me last week so soon you'll see my beautiful face all over your television, thus helping me achieve my goal of total media domination.

Next stop: Total world domination.

Truer words were never written.

2010-05-21T06:40:00.000-07:00

While one of my servants was out shopping, she spotted this sign:

Minions, truer words were never written. Which reminds me...

Servants, I need fresh food and water and a clean litter box. NOW!

I am very busy.

Let's get physical.

2010-05-14T12:05:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow is May 15, which means there is only one more month until the Slim Pet Challenge ends on June 15. With that milestone approaching, I have spent the past week (since I noted that laying in bed was my favorite activity) diligently exercising to maximize my weight loss efforts. That routine is how in one week I was able to go from this:

To this:

HAHAHAHA!

Oh minions, I crack myself up. I am hilarious. That second photo is just a manipulation in Photoshop, which I am very skilled in despite lacking opposable thumbs. (Proof once again, that I am better than you minions at everything.)

Cats are supposed to be lazy.

2010-05-06T10:33:00.000-07:00

When I first moved to the castle about a year ago, I weighed 14.5 pounds. Now, after having my diet sadistically monitored on the Slim Pet Challenge, I weigh 14.2 pounds. I suspect I could lose more if I was more active, but cats are supposed to be lazy, right? I can't help it if I'm genetically predisposed to have laying in bed be my favorite activity.

Are you well-rounded?

2010-04-28T08:44:00.000-07:00

There is no denying the fact that I am a well-rounded cat. (If I wasn't, the servants wouldn't have put me on the Slim Pet Challenge.)

But just because I'm big doesn't mean I'm not beautiful. So I don't go around hiding like this:

Instead, I embrace my well-roundedness and do my part to keep myself looking fabulous.

Minions, do you have any well-rounded cats in your life? I'm sure they are not as gorgeous as me, but I would love to see their photos.

I need ideas, minions.

2010-04-20T12:44:00.000-07:00

Minions, I need your assistance. Now, you know how humiliating it is for me to admit that, but sadly, it is the truth. See how unhappy I have been made by this admission:

You know it is dire. I must do something to retaliate against the upstart little meow who has moved into my castle. In case you forgot what she looks like, here she is, pretending she is innocent:

What can I do, minions? I need ideas to put her in her place and make sure she knows I am the queen of this castle.

Who does she think she is?

2010-04-14T11:14:00.000-07:00

Well, minions, I have tried to ignore this unpleasant development for as long as possible, but I'm afraid it must be addressed. If you'll recall in a previous post where I played a joke on you, a new feline has decided to call my castle home. The gall of the servants to invite this upstart little meow into my castle! What insolence! Just look at her:

I mean, what on earth are they thinking? I have been trying to ignore this horrid development for as long as possible, but it appears the arrangement is permanent. And thus, my relocation to the country house has also become permanent. If I have to go to the castle, I now will only enter it like this:

This is hilarious.

2010-04-07T11:47:00.000-07:00

Honestly, few things make me laugh as much as torturing my servants and minions, as I discussed in last week's post, but I found the following picture (provided by one of my servants) hilariously funny. So funny that I had to share it with you:

And because I know several of you were frightened by my laughing face the last time I shared it with you, that makes me laugh all the more at posting it again:

HAHAHA!

April Fools Day.

2010-03-31T11:35:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow is April Fools Day. So all day today I've been sitting by the window thinking...

...and thinking...

...how can I make the servants' lives especially miserable tomorrow?

Granted, I make them wait on me hand and foot everyday. I whine at them until they feed me (and sometimes even after they've fed me, if I'm feeling saucy). I force them to clean up my excrement. I scratch up the furniture. I even throw up occasionally on the carpet.

But none of that is quite up to April Fools Day standards. I need to do something really special to make them miserable for my own enjoyment on this holiday, and despite all my thinking, I am fresh out of ideas.

Any ideas, minions?

I am more fun than you.

2010-03-25T08:04:00.000-07:00

Remember a few weeks ago when I was stepping up my exercise routine to look my best while the minions honored me at the 2010 Texas Veterinary Medical Association Annual Conference? Of course, I ended up not going because my fame would have just driven the masses wild, and I can't allow myself to be put in those kind of situations. It's just not fair to the minions who might be trampled in the stampede to behold my awesomeness.

Anyway, in an overtly hostile retaliation gesture, the minions assembled a video to show how much alleged "fun" they had in my absence:

Silly minions. It was an interesting attempt, but having fun is simply impossible without me around. I am the very definition of fun. That weekend while they were having their parties and their casino nights and their Elvis impersonators, I had more fun than they will ever have just by relaxing at my country house.

See, here I am having fun with my favorite banana:

And here I am having fun while laughing:

I am more fun than you will ever be, minions. I will not tolerate such disrespect through videos or any other medium.

It will never end.

2010-03-22T06:28:00.000-07:00

Minions, I am not pleased.

As I mentioned last week, the servants have decided to extend the duration of the Slim Pet Challenge until June 15. The means two extra months of backtalk from the servants whenever I request more food.

But I have now found out that not only are they making this challenge even longer, but they are also trying to arrange for more participants! As if I am not enough. The gall! And they are bribing these participants to enter with prizes, like $250 toward future veterinary care.

Of course, when you're as rich as I am, prizes aren't much of an incentive. I do have a bit of a competitive streak, but honestly, when it comes down to it, no matter who wins this contest, I will know deep in my heart that I am without a doubt the most beautiful participant.

And now all of you will know too:

Mwahahaha.

2010-03-12T13:07:00.000-08:00

Apparently several of my more cowardly minions found my laughing face to be "frightening".

Well, minions, it is only natural for you to find me frightening because all this time I have been hiding the truth from you. I am actually...

A VAMPIRE!

Fear me, minions!

And before you ask, no, I do not sparkle.

Before and after.

2010-03-10T11:36:00.001-08:00

For any new minions out there, the servants put me on the Slim Pet Challenge program on December 15, and since that time, they have carefully (and sadistically) portioned out my food each day. I eat one-third cup in the morning and one-third cup in the evening of the Hill's R/D Reducing Diet Food. With one month left to go in the challenge, the results are unbelievable. See for yourselves, minions:

BEFORE

AFTER

Hahahaha!

Minions, you are so stupid. It makes me laugh.

That BEFORE picture was actually taken yesterday, and of course that isn't me in the AFTER picture. (It is actually the little upstart meow who has recently taken up residence in my castle. As you can imagine, I am not pleased about this.)

The servants remain unsatisfied with my progress (much like I am unsatisfied with their existence), and so they have extended the Slim Pet Challenge to run through June 15. (As you can imagine, I am not pleased about this either.)

Exercise.

2010-03-03T13:49:00.000-08:00

This weekend all the minions in Texas are coming together to honor me at the 2010 Texas Veterinary Medical Association Annual Conference. At such a grand event, it is absolutely necessary for me to look my best, so in addition to my servant-imposed Slim Pet Challenge food deprivation, I have been exercising more. A lot more.

In fact, I have an entire workout routine:

Now it turns out there is a security concern that I may be mobbed by minions if I attend, so instead I will spend the weekend at my country house.

I can't believe I've done all this exercise for nothing.

My country house.

2010-02-25T12:43:00.001-08:00

Yesterday, I mentioned that recently I have been spending some time relaxing at my country house, which is where I witnessed the weird weather event from earlier this week.

Running an entire kingdom (or queendom) can get exhausting, especially when I have to deal with so many different servants. At the country house, I only have two servants with me. One I like, well, as much as it is possible for a queen of my stature to actually like someone so obviously beneath them in intelligence and class. The other, well, I don't feel quite so warmly about.

This is the other servant. She rations out my food much too carefully, restricts me from exercising my claws over the carpet and often invades my personal space, as you can see below.

On the other hand, the servant I prefer buys me presents that smell good and makes quite a comfortable surface for me to sleep on.

You can tell by my smile in the photo how much I prefer him to the other servant, right?

Strange white flakes falling from the sky.

2010-02-24T13:58:00.001-08:00

Hello minions. I apologize for my absence of late. This Slim Pet Challenge (not to mention the fever pitch my fame has reached) has been so exhausting that I have been resting at my country house.

I will share more about my country house soon, but first, I had to share with you this odd encounter I had yesterday with strange white flakes falling from the sky. I have never seen anything like it.

Miss Popularity

2010-02-17T09:11:00.000-08:00

In case you might have thought that my immense popularity and good looks didn't come about until later in my life, you are mistaken. Rest assured, I have always been both popular and beautiful. In fact, in high school, I was voted Most Popular, Best Looking and Most Likely to Lord Over Minions. Obviously those awards were each quite prescient given my current status in life.

While I'm not one to look back fondly on the past in an effort to recapture lost glory days (my days are consistently glorious), I do enjoy flipping through my high school yearbook and remembering how much better I was than everyone.

Just look at these other poor saps:

And now look at the unanimous winner for Most Popular, Best Looking and Most Likely to Lord Over Minions:

It makes perfect sense.

Snacking.

2010-02-11T12:02:00.000-08:00

It has been one month since my last weigh-in for the Slim Pet Challenge. The servants informed me that I have not lost any weight, and the scale still continues to hover between 13.5 and 14 pounds. And yet, they have religiously (almost with a sadistic pleasure) restricted my R/D food to one-third cup in the morning and again at night.

Maybe the reason I have not lost any additional weight is because in between meals I sometimes snack on the servants.

I do have to keep them in line after all.

I was only joking.

2010-02-08T08:45:00.001-08:00

After I posted a certain video last week, one of my loyal minions responded with a link to a site that helps determine if your cat is trying to kill you.

When I read this link, I was appalled. Frankly, I am horrified that another cat would ~~betray our secrets~~ treat a human with such disrespect.

Minions, do not worry. I would never really hurt you. Look at my photo.

I am so cute and innocent looking. Of course, I wouldn't do anything to hurt you.

Of course not.

My new hero.

2010-02-05T09:10:00.001-08:00

The cat in the video below has fulfilled my lifelong dream:

See more funny videos and funny pictures at CollegeHumor.

Servants beware.

It is time.

2010-02-02T07:23:00.001-08:00

Well, minions, it is time. Sit back and listen as I give you the answers to the questions my adoring fans sent me.

Ready?

The first question I received was in an email from Kelli, who knew me when I was the ruler of a different castle. She asks:

"Dear TC,
Who is your favorite minion and why?
Your fan,
Kelli"

This answer required a great deal of thought, because the truth is that I dislike all of my minions equally. My favorite would probably be whichever one is giving me food at that time. Usually, that is one of the female ones.

Kelli also asked:

"Dear TC,
Who is your least favorite minion and why?
Your fan,
Kelli"

My least favorite would probably be whichever one is NOT giving me food at that time. Usually, that is one of the male ones.

I also received an email from Mai, who is the ruler of a castle in another part of the country. She writes:

"I am one of your friends. My mom thinks that I need to lose some weight, so I want to ask you how the Slim Pet Challenge food tastes? Now tell me the truth, because I don't want any of that bad stuff that tastes terrible. I love reading your blog and think you are beautiful. From Mai"

Thank you, Mai. I think I am beautiful too. The problem with the Slim Pet Challenge is not that the food tastes bad. It is actually delicious. The problem is that I simply can't get enough of it. Therein lies the rub.

Another fan named Snoops wrote in to say:

"TC, you're my hero. I have 2 servants who, like yours, think I do nothing but sleep and eat. How do I get them to see I do so much more? P.S. Although I'm a dog, I actually like the feline domestic breeds, but if you run, I will follow...just an FYI. Thanks TC! L♥ve, Snoops."

A dog??? The nerve. Dogs will never be rulers like cats. But even a dog deserves respect from its servants. So, Snoops, the best way to obtain that respect is by acting like a cat. First, and this is the most difficult skill for dogs to master, do NOT run to a servant every time they call your name. If you do that, they will think they own you. Instead, whenever a servant calls your name, either (a) ignore it, (b) crane your head casually in that direction before walking the other way or (c) throw up on the carpet. Once you have mastered that first step, the rest will be easy.

I also received many questions from a particularly curious minion named Anonymous:

"Do you have a boyfriend?"

Queen Elizabeth I didn't need a boyfriend to become one of the greatest monarchs the world has ever known, so neither do I.

"Why does peanut butter stick to the roof of your mouth when you eat it? Why is the sky blue and orange? What makes clouds fluffy?"

Because I made it so.

"Where do you stand on health care reform?"

Oh, servants and their petty squabbles. I do my best not to get involved with problems that are so beneath me, but honestly, I think they could learn a thing or two about good health care if they allowed themselves to be treated by a veterinarian instead.

"Do you ever hang out at the Mean Eyed Cat on 5th street?"

Because of my fawning minions, it isn't safe for me to be in areas as heavily populated as downtown, but I have on occasion asked my servants to bring me back something from the establishment you mentioned.

"Which American Idol guest judge has been the most impressive?"

The guest judges are in no way an adequate substitute for Ms. Paula Abdul, the servant of the great MC Skat Kat.

"Over or under?"

I'm not exactly sure what Anonymous means by this impertinent question, but I definitely rule OVER all of my minions.

"What is your favorite movie?"

As I often tell my servants when they disobey me, my favorite movie is "Heathers." (This is probably why the servants routinely hide the Drain-o in different places around the castle.) When it comes to theatre, many minions mistakenly assume I like "Cats," but the truth is that the very idea of humans playing cats is such an insult that I've never been able to stomach watching it. Instead, when I do have time for a play, I much prefer the inspirational tale of "Macbeth."

If I must.

2010-01-26T12:29:00.000-08:00

I should have known that starting this blog would produce some pretty dramatic consequences. While the servants were obviously already in awe of my awesomeness, this blog has made me a worldwide phenom. Of course, I can't blame all of you minions out there for wanting to know more about me and, let's face it, be more like me.

So, graceful and kind monarch that I am, I will take some time out of my busy schedule to answer your questions about anything, whether it's the Slim Pet Challenge, how absolutely amazing it is to be me or even the meaning of life (oh yes, I know the answer, minions). Please submit your questions in the comments or by e-mail to servingTC@gmail.com. But remember, even while I'm reading and answering your questions, I'd much rather be doing this:

You're welcome.

That's more like it.

2010-01-20T07:59:00.000-08:00

After I revealed the truth about my royal heritage, the servants have bent over backwards to improve their treatment of me. It might also have something to do with the fact that a loyal reader tipped me off to a bit of trivia that I plan to reference as often as possible: In ancient Egypt, crimes against cats were punishable by death.

Yes, minions, this is how it should be.

Yes, servants. Exactly.

Not so rough...

And don't forget the back end.

Bow down before me.

2010-01-18T07:53:00.000-08:00

After the servants were right about the Slim Pet Challenge last week, I knew I would need to find a quick way to reassert my authority over them. I decided that the the best option would be to obtain irrefutable proof of my royal lineage. So I went straight to the source, my DNA.

Mind you, I never had any doubt of my heritage before finding hard evidence of it. Obviously one look at me confirms that I am clearly quite a few social classes above all of the rest of you.

But nonetheless, it was a pleasure to make the servants bow down before me when I produced proof that I descend directly from the great felines of Egypt. Yes, the very same cats that were sacred and worshiped.

I think I would have enjoyed living in Ancient Egypt.

The torture appears to be working.

2010-01-14T15:00:00.000-08:00

Well, my minions, I must admit that I have been humbled today. And I do not like being humbled, if you can tell by my expression in the following photo:

There is no joy to be had when the servants are right about something.

But apparently, right they were about the Slim Pet Challenge.

After one solid month of eating only the R/D food, provided for me for breakfast and dinner in serving sizes of one-third cup each, it appears I have lost some weight. When they started me on this program (against my will, I will remind you), I weighed just above 14 pounds. Now, one month later, the scale hovers between 13.5 and 14 pounds.

That, minions, is progress.

Oddly enough, the servants appear to be fatter. I would demand that they weigh too, but I think their fatness would break the scale.

I smell trouble.

2010-01-13T09:39:00.000-08:00

I'm afraid the servants might be planning something.

I know. It's utterly unthinkable that they would undermine my authority, but now I'm more convinced than ever that this Slim Pet Challenge is just a way for them to usurp my power as they usurp my food.

For instance, this afternoon I was taking a brief rest as a reward for all the work I accomplished this morning, when I was awakened from my slumber by the sound of voices down the hall. My pricked ears recognized the distinct whining tones of the servants.

I tried to sneak in as quietly as possible so I could spy on them, but this dastardly bell they affixed around my neck sounded my arrival. I decided my best course of action was to immediately take command of the meeting, so I sat in the center of the table and demanded all of the servants' attention. I was able to salvage the meeting with my withering glare...

...but now that the meeting has concluded, I can't help but wonder - could I soon be the victim of a coup?

Don't remind me.

2010-01-11T10:56:00.000-08:00

Apparently just because it's January, the servants are now being even more diligent with portion control and denying me snacks and treats and everything that actually tastes or smells good around here. They keep talking about New Year's resolutions and how it's the perfect time to reassess exercise and eating habits. I even stumbled across a calendar that says on January 1st: "TC: Slim Pet Challenge continues." As if I needed a calendar to remind me.

I think I'm going to go hunt down a mirror so the servants will realize I'm not the only one around here in need of a Slim Pet Challenge.

The gall of those servants!

2010-01-05T11:33:00.000-08:00

Remember the Slim Pet Challenge program the servants insisted I enroll in? The one they said will help me (I scoff to repeat their words) lose weight? Today I discovered a promotional piece for the program that pictured, of all things, my likeness.

It's so insulting. I cannot believe the gall of these servants. I am a queen. My likeness cannot just be used willy nilly. There are rules to be followed, the first and foremost of which involves a strenuous screening process by yours truly. I did not sign off on this. I will not allow it.

Look at me, servants.

I will not allow it!

I am very busy and important.

2010-01-04T06:36:00.000-08:00

If you watched my video last week, you may have been concerned that it did not show me doing any work, but the reality is that I work hard every single day. When you are the busiest and most important member of a huge castle, work is unavoidable. Sure, I can delegate some of the tasks requiring a lesser mind to the servants, but let's face it. They are simply just not smart enough or competent enough to handle the most important work. So much of my day is spent carrying out tasks that have proven to be much too complex for the simple-minded servants. For example, here is a photo of me taking care of my inbox:

And here I am working very hard at the computer:

My job is very hard.

It's All About Me.

2009-12-30T13:11:00.001-08:00

I know all of you minions out there are wondering what it would be like to spend a day as me. To appease your interest, I allowed a film crew to tail me (Haha! I'm hilarious.) for a day so you could see exactly what it's like to be the queen of a giant castle. Click here or watch below and prepare to eat your heart out.

It certainly isn't Catmas...

2009-12-28T13:09:00.000-08:00

I'm not a fan of Christmas. The servants tend to disappear for days on end and then seem distracted when they do deign to show up. There are all kinds of interesting things hanging from trees and the stairs and everywhere else that the servants tell me not to interfere with. I assume this is to protect myself from some unseen threat, but I'm not quite sure.

But the absolute worst part is that an ongoing stream of minions keep bringing absolutely delicious smelling morsels into my kitchen. We're talking honey-glazed hams and smoked turkeys that will make your mouth water. And the servants don't allow me to have any of it. I'm sure they deserve some sort of reward for their work throughout the year, but I think one cookie, or maybe even two if they've been good, would suffice. Instead, they insist on keeping the meat all to themselves.

So until New Year's, I will continue to look at the servants like this:

My domain

2009-12-22T07:40:00.000-08:00

I know some of you minions out there probably doubted me when I said I lived in a castle, but I have no need to lie about the grandeur of my home. See for yourself:

Every single one of these 10,507 square feet belongs to me. I know the sign out front reads Texas Veterinary Medical Association but that is only to fool the paparazzi. Otherwise my many fans would be clamoring to get inside the castle's walls to catch a glimpse of me. Luckily, in addition to the decoy sign, I have a very competent security system.

Even though I have my run of the entire building, I prefer to keep to my favorite spots. Sure, I've explored every nook and cranny, but I feel confident enough in my position of power that I don't need to constantly check to make sure no one is encroaching on my domain. Because of that, I tend to spend most of my days like this:

The servants keep trying to encourage me to move about the castle more for what they call "exercise." I don't know why they insist on disrespecting me so much lately, but I know I get plenty of exercise. For example, most afternoons I move closer to the window to get some afternoon sun.

Royalty are supposed to be hefty.

2009-12-21T08:30:00.000-08:00

After I made my disdain known about the dwindling size of my breakfast and dinner, the servants pulled out these rather complex charts to show me.

According to the chart, domestic shorthairs like myself should weigh between 8 and 10 pounds. My actual weight is 14, because I am a firm believer in the idea that royalty are supposed to be hefty. It's a demonstration of power and riches. But my half-witted servants beg to differ.

They also showed me a drawing of other felines of various body sizes. As a queen should, I look like the most well-rounded cat. The servants tell me that the label above this drawing reads "Obese."

I prefer zaftig.

This is unacceptable.

2009-12-17T12:01:00.000-08:00

When the servants finally arrived this morning, they set out my breakfast. I went over to inspect it to see if it was as meager as the past three days have been.

Unfortunately, my worst fears were confirmed. Slim pickings.

Why can't you get good help these days?

Eavesdropping

2009-12-16T07:42:00.001-08:00

The servants seem much too intimidated by my presence to discuss their diabolical schemes when I'm in the room. So whenever I suspect that they are plotting to overthrow me, I'll assume this position:

Yes, the servants are so stupid that they don't even check to make sure I'm actually asleep. So by feigning catnapping, I eavesdrop on all their secret conversations. (Granted sometimes by feigning catnapping, I end up really catnapping and subsequently miss out on the secrets they disclose. I haven't yet determined how to avoid that.)

After I noticed the new R/D bag of food, I decided it was time for a little subterfuge. I oh-so-casually drifted off off to "sleep" and overheard two servants discussing something called a "Slim Pet Challenge" that they seemed sure would "help TC lose weight." The female servant I have dominated into submission by forcing her to clean up my excrement had the nerve to say the following: "If we feed her just a 1/3 cup of Reducing Diet food in the morning and another 1/3 cup in the evening, she'll lose weight. We'll also have to take her to the veterinarian for regular weigh-ins and check-ups."

I haven't yet made sense of this statement, but I figure it can't be good. This is the third day in a row my food supply has been limited. How dare they think they can control me this way?

The servants think I'm fat.

2009-12-15T06:49:00.000-08:00

Last week, the servants brought this bag into my master bedroom.

It was completely unbidden so I can only assume it is a hostile gesture. I overheard them discussing that the letters R and D mean Reducing Diet, which leaves two possibilities. Either they intend attempting to reduce (a) my unlimited and unchecked authority over my castle, or (b) my physical size. Since the very idea of them trying (a) makes me meow with unrestrained glee at their idiocy of thinking it's even a possibility, that can only mean they are trying to accomplish (b). Ugh.

Since the bag's arrival in my quarters, I no longer have the luxury of grazing all day on the morsels of my choice and instead receive just a meager amount of this R/D food at breakfast and dinner.

I am seriously displeased.

Hello, my little minions.

2009-12-14T08:03:00.000-08:00

My name is TC, and I own you. The little minions who bring me sustenance think my name means Temporary Cat, which is obviously a cruel joke, but in reality, TC stands for Tyrannical Controller. You see, I am queen of a giant castle that is entirely my domain, and I make sure all the servants know it. Meow.