April Fools Day.

Tomorrow is April Fools Day. So all day today I've been sitting by the window thinking...



...and thinking...



...how can I make the servants' lives especially miserable tomorrow?

Granted, I make them wait on me hand and foot everyday. I whine at them until they feed me (and sometimes even after they've fed me, if I'm feeling saucy). I force them to clean up my excrement. I scratch up the furniture. I even throw up occasionally on the carpet.

But none of that is quite up to April Fools Day standards. I need to do something really special to make them miserable for my own enjoyment on this holiday, and despite all my thinking, I am fresh out of ideas.

Any ideas, minions?

I am more fun than you.

Remember a few weeks ago when I was stepping up my exercise routine to look my best while the minions honored me at the 2010 Texas Veterinary Medical Association Annual Conference? Of course, I ended up not going because my fame would have just driven the masses wild, and I can't allow myself to be put in those kind of situations. It's just not fair to the minions who might be trampled in the stampede to behold my awesomeness.

Anyway, in an overtly hostile retaliation gesture, the minions assembled a video to show how much alleged "fun" they had in my absence:



Silly minions. It was an interesting attempt, but having fun is simply impossible without me around. I am the very definition of fun. That weekend while they were having their parties and their casino nights and their Elvis impersonators, I had more fun than they will ever have just by relaxing at my country house.

See, here I am having fun with my favorite banana:



And here I am having fun while laughing:



I am more fun than you will ever be, minions. I will not tolerate such disrespect through videos or any other medium.

It will never end.

Minions, I am not pleased.



As I mentioned last week, the servants have decided to extend the duration of the Slim Pet Challenge until June 15. The means two extra months of backtalk from the servants whenever I request more food.

But I have now found out that not only are they making this challenge even longer, but they are also trying to arrange for more participants! As if I am not enough. The gall! And they are bribing these participants to enter with prizes, like $250 toward future veterinary care.

Of course, when you're as rich as I am, prizes aren't much of an incentive. I do have a bit of a competitive streak, but honestly, when it comes down to it, no matter who wins this contest, I will know deep in my heart that I am without a doubt the most beautiful participant.

And now all of you will know too:

Mwahahaha.

Apparently several of my more cowardly minions found my laughing face to be "frightening".

Well, minions, it is only natural for you to find me frightening because all this time I have been hiding the truth from you. I am actually...

A VAMPIRE!



Fear me, minions!

And before you ask, no, I do not sparkle.

Before and after.

For any new minions out there, the servants put me on the Slim Pet Challenge program on December 15, and since that time, they have carefully (and sadistically) portioned out my food each day. I eat one-third cup in the morning and one-third cup in the evening of the Hill's R/D Reducing Diet Food. With one month left to go in the challenge, the results are unbelievable. See for yourselves, minions:

BEFORE


AFTER


Hahahaha!

Minions, you are so stupid. It makes me laugh.

That BEFORE picture was actually taken yesterday, and of course that isn't me in the AFTER picture. (It is actually the little upstart meow who has recently taken up residence in my castle. As you can imagine, I am not pleased about this.)

The servants remain unsatisfied with my progress (much like I am unsatisfied with their existence), and so they have extended the Slim Pet Challenge to run through June 15. (As you can imagine, I am not pleased about this either.)

Exercise.

This weekend all the minions in Texas are coming together to honor me at the 2010 Texas Veterinary Medical Association Annual Conference. At such a grand event, it is absolutely necessary for me to look my best, so in addition to my servant-imposed Slim Pet Challenge food deprivation, I have been exercising more. A lot more.

In fact, I have an entire workout routine:







Now it turns out there is a security concern that I may be mobbed by minions if I attend, so instead I will spend the weekend at my country house.

I can't believe I've done all this exercise for nothing.