Minions, I need your assistance. Now, you know how humiliating it is for me to admit that, but sadly, it is the truth. See how unhappy I have been made by this admission:
You know it is dire. I must do something to retaliate against the upstart little meow who has moved into my castle. In case you forgot what she looks like, here she is, pretending she is innocent:
What can I do, minions? I need ideas to put her in her place and make sure she knows I am the queen of this castle.
Well, minions, I have tried to ignore this unpleasant development for as long as possible, but I'm afraid it must be addressed. If you'll recall in a previous post where I played a joke on you, a new feline has decided to call my castle home. The gall of the servants to invite this upstart little meow into my castle! What insolence! Just look at her:
I mean, what on earth are they thinking? I have been trying to ignore this horrid development for as long as possible, but it appears the arrangement is permanent. And thus, my relocation to the country house has also become permanent. If I have to go to the castle, I now will only enter it like this:
Honestly, few things make me laugh as much as torturing my servants and minions, as I discussed in last week's post, but I found the following picture (provided by one of my servants) hilariously funny. So funny that I had to share it with you:
And because I know several of you were frightened by my laughing face the last time I shared it with you, that makes me laugh all the more at posting it again:
Tomorrow is April Fools Day. So all day today I've been sitting by the window thinking...
...and thinking...
...how can I make the servants' lives especially miserable tomorrow?
Granted, I make them wait on me hand and foot everyday. I whine at them until they feed me (and sometimes even after they've fed me, if I'm feeling saucy). I force them to clean up my excrement. I scratch up the furniture. I even throw up occasionally on the carpet.
But none of that is quite up to April Fools Day standards. I need to do something really special to make them miserable for my own enjoyment on this holiday, and despite all my thinking, I am fresh out of ideas.
Remember a few weeks ago when I was stepping up my exercise routine to look my best while the minions honored me at the 2010 Texas Veterinary Medical Association Annual Conference? Of course, I ended up not going because my fame would have just driven the masses wild, and I can't allow myself to be put in those kind of situations. It's just not fair to the minions who might be trampled in the stampede to behold my awesomeness.
Anyway, in an overtly hostile retaliation gesture, the minions assembled a video to show how much alleged "fun" they had in my absence:
Silly minions. It was an interesting attempt, but having fun is simply impossible without me around. I am the very definition of fun. That weekend while they were having their parties and their casino nights and their Elvis impersonators, I had more fun than they will ever have just by relaxing at my country house.
See, here I am having fun with my favorite banana:
And here I am having fun while laughing:
I am more fun than you will ever be, minions. I will not tolerate such disrespect through videos or any other medium.
As I mentioned last week, the servants have decided to extend the duration of the Slim Pet Challenge until June 15. The means two extra months of backtalk from the servants whenever I request more food.
But I have now found out that not only are they making this challenge even longer, but they are also trying to arrange for more participants! As if I am not enough. The gall! And they are bribing these participants to enter with prizes, like $250 toward future veterinary care.
Of course, when you're as rich as I am, prizes aren't much of an incentive. I do have a bit of a competitive streak, but honestly, when it comes down to it, no matter who wins this contest, I will know deep in my heart that I am without a doubt the most beautiful participant.
