Ready?
The first question I received was in an email from Kelli, who knew me when I was the ruler of a different castle. She asks:
"Dear TC,
Who is your favorite minion and why?
Your fan,
Kelli"
This answer required a great deal of thought, because the truth is that I dislike all of my minions equally. My favorite would probably be whichever one is giving me food at that time. Usually, that is one of the female ones.
Kelli also asked:
"Dear TC,
Who is your least favorite minion and why?
Your fan,
Kelli"
My least favorite would probably be whichever one is NOT giving me food at that time. Usually, that is one of the male ones.
I also received an email from Mai, who is the ruler of a castle in another part of the country. She writes:
"I am one of your friends. My mom thinks that I need to lose some weight, so I want to ask you how the Slim Pet Challenge food tastes? Now tell me the truth, because I don't want any of that bad stuff that tastes terrible. I love reading your blog and think you are beautiful. From Mai"
Thank you, Mai. I think I am beautiful too. The problem with the Slim Pet Challenge is not that the food tastes bad. It is actually delicious. The problem is that I simply can't get enough of it. Therein lies the rub.
Another fan named Snoops wrote in to say:
"TC, you're my hero. I have 2 servants who, like yours, think I do nothing but sleep and eat. How do I get them to see I do so much more? P.S. Although I'm a dog, I actually like the feline domestic breeds, but if you run, I will follow...just an FYI. Thanks TC! L♥ve, Snoops."
A dog??? The nerve. Dogs will never be rulers like cats. But even a dog deserves respect from its servants. So, Snoops, the best way to obtain that respect is by acting like a cat. First, and this is the most difficult skill for dogs to master, do NOT run to a servant every time they call your name. If you do that, they will think they own you. Instead, whenever a servant calls your name, either (a) ignore it, (b) crane your head casually in that direction before walking the other way or (c) throw up on the carpet. Once you have mastered that first step, the rest will be easy.
I also received many questions from a particularly curious minion named Anonymous:
"Do you have a boyfriend?"
Queen Elizabeth I didn't need a boyfriend to become one of the greatest monarchs the world has ever known, so neither do I.
"Why does peanut butter stick to the roof of your mouth when you eat it? Why is the sky blue and orange? What makes clouds fluffy?"
Because I made it so.
"Where do you stand on health care reform?"
Oh, servants and their petty squabbles. I do my best not to get involved with problems that are so beneath me, but honestly, I think they could learn a thing or two about good health care if they allowed themselves to be treated by a veterinarian instead.
"Do you ever hang out at the Mean Eyed Cat on 5th street?"
Because of my fawning minions, it isn't safe for me to be in areas as heavily populated as downtown, but I have on occasion asked my servants to bring me back something from the establishment you mentioned.
"Which American Idol guest judge has been the most impressive?"
The guest judges are in no way an adequate substitute for Ms. Paula Abdul, the servant of the great MC Skat Kat.
"Over or under?"
I'm not exactly sure what Anonymous means by this impertinent question, but I definitely rule OVER all of my minions.
"What is your favorite movie?"
As I often tell my servants when they disobey me, my favorite movie is "Heathers." (This is probably why the servants routinely hide the Drain-o in different places around the castle.) When it comes to theatre, many minions mistakenly assume I like "Cats," but the truth is that the very idea of humans playing cats is such an insult that I've never been able to stomach watching it. Instead, when I do have time for a play, I much prefer the inspirational tale of "Macbeth."
No comments:
Post a Comment