Cover girl

Well, minions, I know you have missed me dearly in my absence, but I can assure you that I have been far too busy to miss any of you. For example, my star has embarked on such a meteoric rise that I am now on the cover of a major magazine. Feast your eyes on this:



Thank you. I know, I know--I look amazing. Have you ever seen a creature, feline or otherwise, with such fierce regality?

But that is not all. The amazingness continues inside with a world exclusive interview about my TV debut (which you will be blessed with the opportunity to see in January). Read all about my celebrity status:

http://www.tvma.org/Media_Room/documents/txvet_10_october_pg13.pdf

The only thing I can't figure out is all this continued talk about my weight-loss efforts. Now that I am so famous, why would anyone want less of me in the world?

Slim Pet Challenge goes to the dogs

So I didn't win the Slim Pet Challenge. But in all fairness, no cat did. The whole challenge went to the dogs. Honestly, I'm more interested in staring out the window than talking about dogs.



What were we talking about? Oh yes, Dogs. Two dogs were declared winners of the Slim Pet Challenge. Sadie, a labrador who was signed up for the challenge by Paws Claws and All Animal Clinic in Missouri City, lost 25 pounds. Lenox, another labrador who was signed up by Corinth Veterinary Clinic in Corinth, lost 11 pounds.

Need I remind you that in the same period I lost three ounces! And I'm a cat. Weight loss is much much harder for cats. We reserve all our energy for mental supremacy, not jumping around every time a minion walks in the room.

Nonetheless, even though the challenge is over, I will continue to allow my servants to feed me the weight loss food. Because let's face it, at the end of the day, I'll do anything to make them stop annoying me.

Slim Pet Challenge: 0, TC: 1

The Slim Pet Challenge ended yesterday. After six months of food restriction, I lost a grand total of three ounces. I weighed 14.5 pounds back on December 15. Six weeks ago, I managed to get down to 14.2 pounds, and, my minions, that is the weight I have remained at. In other words, I have maintained my new lower weight for six weeks, which is quite an accomplishment. While I still fall into the "bigger is beautiful" category of feline, I think I have arrived at my happy weight. I will be keeping up with my food restriction on a permanent basis so I can stay at this weight, but it will be nice to spend less time worrying about my weight and get back to all the more important things I have to do. Like:




But do not panic, minions. I will still share my adventures with you and update you on any future weight loss. And of course, when I make my TV debut, you will all hear about it.

Don't mess with the bull...

You'll get the horns. Or at least that's a quote from one of my female servant's favorite movies. (She has really annoying taste.)

Remember the Animal Planet film shoot I mentioned last week? Well, after the camera crews left, the real show went down. The little upstart meow wasn't exactly thrilled about my return to the castle from my extended sojourn at the country house. In fact, she was downright territorial.


Luckily my favorite male servant broke up the fight before anything horrible could happen, but I'd like to issue a warning in picture form to the little upstart meow for if she ever tries to mess with me again. Here it goes:

I'm a star.

Well, minions, the world has finally figured out the smart thing to do with a feline as fantastic as me. Put me on television, of course. Just look at how unbelievably photogenic I am:



A crew from Animal Planet was here to film me last week so soon you'll see my beautiful face all over your television, thus helping me achieve my goal of total media domination.

Next stop: Total world domination.

Truer words were never written.

While one of my servants was out shopping, she spotted this sign:




Minions, truer words were never written. Which reminds me...

Servants, I need fresh food and water and a clean litter box. NOW!

I am very busy.

Let's get physical.

Tomorrow is May 15, which means there is only one more month until the Slim Pet Challenge ends on June 15. With that milestone approaching, I have spent the past week (since I noted that laying in bed was my favorite activity) diligently exercising to maximize my weight loss efforts. That routine is how in one week I was able to go from this:




To this:





HAHAHAHA!



Oh minions, I crack myself up. I am hilarious. That second photo is just a manipulation in Photoshop, which I am very skilled in despite lacking opposable thumbs. (Proof once again, that I am better than you minions at everything.)

Cats are supposed to be lazy.

When I first moved to the castle about a year ago, I weighed 14.5 pounds. Now, after having my diet sadistically monitored on the Slim Pet Challenge, I weigh 14.2 pounds. I suspect I could lose more if I was more active, but cats are supposed to be lazy, right? I can't help it if I'm genetically predisposed to have laying in bed be my favorite activity.

Are you well-rounded?

There is no denying the fact that I am a well-rounded cat. (If I wasn't, the servants wouldn't have put me on the Slim Pet Challenge.)


But just because I'm big doesn't mean I'm not beautiful. So I don't go around hiding like this:


Instead, I embrace my well-roundedness and do my part to keep myself looking fabulous.



Minions, do you have any well-rounded cats in your life? I'm sure they are not as gorgeous as me, but I would love to see their photos.

I need ideas, minions.

Minions, I need your assistance. Now, you know how humiliating it is for me to admit that, but sadly, it is the truth. See how unhappy I have been made by this admission:


You know it is dire. I must do something to retaliate against the upstart little meow who has moved into my castle. In case you forgot what she looks like, here she is, pretending she is innocent:


What can I do, minions? I need ideas to put her in her place and make sure she knows I am the queen of this castle.

Who does she think she is?

Well, minions, I have tried to ignore this unpleasant development for as long as possible, but I'm afraid it must be addressed. If you'll recall in a previous post where I played a joke on you, a new feline has decided to call my castle home. The gall of the servants to invite this upstart little meow into my castle! What insolence! Just look at her:






I mean, what on earth are they thinking? I have been trying to ignore this horrid development for as long as possible, but it appears the arrangement is permanent. And thus, my relocation to the country house has also become permanent. If I have to go to the castle, I now will only enter it like this:

This is hilarious.

Honestly, few things make me laugh as much as torturing my servants and minions, as I discussed in last week's post, but I found the following picture (provided by one of my servants) hilariously funny. So funny that I had to share it with you:


And because I know several of you were frightened by my laughing face the last time I shared it with you, that makes me laugh all the more at posting it again:


HAHAHA!

April Fools Day.

Tomorrow is April Fools Day. So all day today I've been sitting by the window thinking...



...and thinking...



...how can I make the servants' lives especially miserable tomorrow?

Granted, I make them wait on me hand and foot everyday. I whine at them until they feed me (and sometimes even after they've fed me, if I'm feeling saucy). I force them to clean up my excrement. I scratch up the furniture. I even throw up occasionally on the carpet.

But none of that is quite up to April Fools Day standards. I need to do something really special to make them miserable for my own enjoyment on this holiday, and despite all my thinking, I am fresh out of ideas.

Any ideas, minions?

I am more fun than you.

Remember a few weeks ago when I was stepping up my exercise routine to look my best while the minions honored me at the 2010 Texas Veterinary Medical Association Annual Conference? Of course, I ended up not going because my fame would have just driven the masses wild, and I can't allow myself to be put in those kind of situations. It's just not fair to the minions who might be trampled in the stampede to behold my awesomeness.

Anyway, in an overtly hostile retaliation gesture, the minions assembled a video to show how much alleged "fun" they had in my absence:



Silly minions. It was an interesting attempt, but having fun is simply impossible without me around. I am the very definition of fun. That weekend while they were having their parties and their casino nights and their Elvis impersonators, I had more fun than they will ever have just by relaxing at my country house.

See, here I am having fun with my favorite banana:



And here I am having fun while laughing:



I am more fun than you will ever be, minions. I will not tolerate such disrespect through videos or any other medium.

It will never end.

Minions, I am not pleased.



As I mentioned last week, the servants have decided to extend the duration of the Slim Pet Challenge until June 15. The means two extra months of backtalk from the servants whenever I request more food.

But I have now found out that not only are they making this challenge even longer, but they are also trying to arrange for more participants! As if I am not enough. The gall! And they are bribing these participants to enter with prizes, like $250 toward future veterinary care.

Of course, when you're as rich as I am, prizes aren't much of an incentive. I do have a bit of a competitive streak, but honestly, when it comes down to it, no matter who wins this contest, I will know deep in my heart that I am without a doubt the most beautiful participant.

And now all of you will know too:

Mwahahaha.

Apparently several of my more cowardly minions found my laughing face to be "frightening".

Well, minions, it is only natural for you to find me frightening because all this time I have been hiding the truth from you. I am actually...

A VAMPIRE!



Fear me, minions!

And before you ask, no, I do not sparkle.

Before and after.

For any new minions out there, the servants put me on the Slim Pet Challenge program on December 15, and since that time, they have carefully (and sadistically) portioned out my food each day. I eat one-third cup in the morning and one-third cup in the evening of the Hill's R/D Reducing Diet Food. With one month left to go in the challenge, the results are unbelievable. See for yourselves, minions:

BEFORE


AFTER


Hahahaha!

Minions, you are so stupid. It makes me laugh.

That BEFORE picture was actually taken yesterday, and of course that isn't me in the AFTER picture. (It is actually the little upstart meow who has recently taken up residence in my castle. As you can imagine, I am not pleased about this.)

The servants remain unsatisfied with my progress (much like I am unsatisfied with their existence), and so they have extended the Slim Pet Challenge to run through June 15. (As you can imagine, I am not pleased about this either.)

Exercise.

This weekend all the minions in Texas are coming together to honor me at the 2010 Texas Veterinary Medical Association Annual Conference. At such a grand event, it is absolutely necessary for me to look my best, so in addition to my servant-imposed Slim Pet Challenge food deprivation, I have been exercising more. A lot more.

In fact, I have an entire workout routine:







Now it turns out there is a security concern that I may be mobbed by minions if I attend, so instead I will spend the weekend at my country house.

I can't believe I've done all this exercise for nothing.

My country house.

Yesterday, I mentioned that recently I have been spending some time relaxing at my country house, which is where I witnessed the weird weather event from earlier this week.


Running an entire kingdom (or queendom) can get exhausting, especially when I have to deal with so many different servants. At the country house, I only have two servants with me. One I like, well, as much as it is possible for a queen of my stature to actually like someone so obviously beneath them in intelligence and class. The other, well, I don't feel quite so warmly about.

This is the other servant. She rations out my food much too carefully, restricts me from exercising my claws over the carpet and often invades my personal space, as you can see below.



On the other hand, the servant I prefer buys me presents that smell good and makes quite a comfortable surface for me to sleep on.

You can tell by my smile in the photo how much I prefer him to the other servant, right?

Strange white flakes falling from the sky.

Hello minions. I apologize for my absence of late. This Slim Pet Challenge (not to mention the fever pitch my fame has reached) has been so exhausting that I have been resting at my country house.

I will share more about my country house soon, but first, I had to share with you this odd encounter I had yesterday with strange white flakes falling from the sky. I have never seen anything like it.

Miss Popularity

In case you might have thought that my immense popularity and good looks didn't come about until later in my life, you are mistaken. Rest assured, I have always been both popular and beautiful. In fact, in high school, I was voted Most Popular, Best Looking and Most Likely to Lord Over Minions. Obviously those awards were each quite prescient given my current status in life.

While I'm not one to look back fondly on the past in an effort to recapture lost glory days (my days are consistently glorious), I do enjoy flipping through my high school yearbook and remembering how much better I was than everyone.

Just look at these other poor saps:







And now look at the unanimous winner for Most Popular, Best Looking and Most Likely to Lord Over Minions:



It makes perfect sense.